” The ordinary girl finds ways to shut down, dull all the feelings. The princess remains open no matter what. “
That’s right, I am an ordinary girl, I can shut down and dull all the feelings.
I have a protective shell that unintentionally built it when I was young. I’ve learned to be emotionally detached from my surroundings and to people around me. I am one of those who can easily get along with any crowd or any group, but I am not really in to the group.
I find it hard to express my feelings. To say what I feel.
When I was young, I believed that if they have no means of knowing my feelings and emotion, they could not do anything to hurt me. Though they can still hurt me in some ways, I don’t usually show that I am hurting. If they don’t know that I am hurting, it is better for me. The more I am emotionally detached, the more I feel secured.
For most of us, it’s being weak, for me its security.
I can only open up to few people, to my friends since high school. However, it took a long process before I can open up to them. They are the only one who made me feel that I can tell anything to them without judging me. They are the only one who made me feel that I can cry to their shoulders without asking the reason why. They are the only one that can really know if I am hurting. Because I know that no matter what happen, they will stand beside me. Or they are just on my back supporting me. It is enough for me that my friends know what I am, who I am, and what I feel.
I don’t care what people would think about me. As long as I am emotionally detached to them.
I am hurting right now, but nobody knows about it. Even the person that hurts me doesn’t know that I am hurting. Even the closest person to me in this place doesn’t know.
This is what I am. I don’t show when I am hurt. I don’t show my real emotion. Why?
Because I don’t want them to know that someone succeeded in hurting me. I don’t want them to know I am hurting because of someone. For me, I feel intimidated to someone if they know that I feel pain because of them. I feel they are superior because at one point, they have hurt me and they know that they have hurt me.
this might save a marriage
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, ” I’ve got something to tell you”. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. “I want a divorce”. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
“why?” I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, “you are not a man!” That night, we didn’t
talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory
answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just
pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent
ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not
care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want
anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She
requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken
marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of
our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going
crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd
request.
I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. “No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce”, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, “daddy is holding mommy
in his arms”. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in
my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; “don’t tell our son about
the divorce”. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the
office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her
heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, “Dad, it’s time to carry mom out”.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I
might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms,
walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her
hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly;
it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked
intimacy.
I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the
door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, “Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore”.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. “Do you have
a fever?” She said. I moved her hand off my head. “Sorry, Dew, I said, I
won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I
didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each
other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on
our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.”
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my
wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and
wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death does us apart.
The small details of your lives are what really matters in a
relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the
bank, or any material things. These create an environment conducive for
happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be
your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that
build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
“I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts
today. I know that the world is a looking glass and gives back to me the
reflection of my own soul. Now I understand the secret of correcting the
attitude of others and that is to correct my own.”
I hope I could learn how to do all of these…
Don’t shield yourself from pain, never fear pain either. Face whatever it is that comes your way. Don’t be afraid to stumble and fall, to cry and get hurt. Dread not those helpless moments, when you can’t even fight your tears back, and all you can do is stare at something and let time pass. You can only understand happiness after you’ve felt pain. Life is not fair, it never was, and it
We choose how we see people. When we want to like someone, we can be so tolerant. When we want to be irritated by people, we focus on their faults. It’s not other people’s behavior that determines how we feel about them, it’s our attitude!
Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s ok. It only means you’ve decided to see things beyond life’s imperfections! Whatever happens, stay happy and enjoy what life brings!
To be happy, don’t do whatever you like – like whatever you do. Happiness comes not from having much to live ON, but having much to live FOR.
Nobody can ever make you feel average without your permission. Ingratitude and criticism are going to come; they are part of the price you pay for leaping past mediocrity. When you make your mark in life, you’ll always attract erasers. Never surrender your dream to noisy negatives! – The Enemy Called Average
stupidity attacks
I have a friend who’s been in love with this guy for almost 6 years now. He’s part of her past, her first boyfriend actually. Though she had some boyfriends after him, she was never over him. None of the boyfriends made her forget about him.
After the breakup, it is not just the two of them who were affected, I was also affected, and some of my friends, because the guy is also a friend of mine. Part of the group, part our group. There were changes in atmosphere within the group whenever the two of them were with us. Although a lot of times the guy was intentionally making excuses not to be with us. He’s been considerate for the girl. He’s giving her some space for her to move on.
When he thought that the girl had already moved on. He started being friends with her again. Asking her to movies or eat out. The problem is, the girl is still in love him. And she agrees everytime the guy ask her. Her feeling for him grew deeper. The guy is so vocal about his feelings for her, he still loves her, but he’s not yet ready for a serious relationship. He just can’t commit himself for a relationship. And my friend, who is so inlove with him, accepts the fact. The fact that she cannot completely have the guy that she loves.
She is happy whenever she’s with him. Whenever the guy calls her. Whenever the guy invites her for a movie or a lunch. The problem is, it is not on a regular basis. Three months, four months without a communication is a natural thing for them. This is where my friend is hurting, after a happy moment with the guy, a long agony is her companion. After a date, where they almost did things that only couples would do, she was left without a word. Yeah, she’s happy for a moment, but lonely and sad after it. For almost three years, thats their situation. For almost three years, my friend is hurting. For almost three years, he’s making a fool out of her.
I told her to stop seeing him. Maybe she cannot avoid him completely because they have a lot of common friends, but at least avoid being alone with him. It is not being helpful for her. He’s fooling her and she’s willing to be fooled. It is not easy forgeting someone that you really love. I know, Ive been there. It is a long process. But if loving that person means making yourself a fool, making yourself someone who’s not really you. If loving that person only brings out the worse of you, it is worth it. If love doesn’t do good to you, just pain hurt and heartaches, why keep on holding on, it is time to let go. Stop holding on.
Love is a good thing. And so does loving.
**********************************************************************************************************
Why we become stupid when it comes on loving? That no matter how smart and intellegent we are, we transform into stupid innocent person we hate to be. That eventhough we know that it is not right anymore we still don’t care and continue on loving. Even the person that we love is hurting us, intentionally or unintentionally, we still love that person. Loving a person is giving them the right to hurt us, but we don’t care. We don’t care if loving will only bring us pain, hurt, heartbreaks, and heartaches.
Are we really in love with the person or we are just in love with love?
