” The ordinary girl finds ways to shut down, dull all the feelings. The princess remains open no matter what. “
That’s right, I am an ordinary girl, I can shut down and dull all the feelings.
I have a protective shell that unintentionally built it when I was young. I’ve learned to be emotionally detached from my surroundings and to people around me. I am one of those who can easily get along with any crowd or any group, but I am not really in to the group.
I find it hard to express my feelings. To say what I feel.
When I was young, I believed that if they have no means of knowing my feelings and emotion, they could not do anything to hurt me. Though they can still hurt me in some ways, I don’t usually show that I am hurting. If they don’t know that I am hurting, it is better for me. The more I am emotionally detached, the more I feel secured.
For most of us, it’s being weak, for me its security.
I can only open up to few people, to my friends since high school. However, it took a long process before I can open up to them. They are the only one who made me feel that I can tell anything to them without judging me. They are the only one who made me feel that I can cry to their shoulders without asking the reason why. They are the only one that can really know if I am hurting. Because I know that no matter what happen, they will stand beside me. Or they are just on my back supporting me. It is enough for me that my friends know what I am, who I am, and what I feel.
I don’t care what people would think about me. As long as I am emotionally detached to them.
I am hurting right now, but nobody knows about it. Even the person that hurts me doesn’t know that I am hurting. Even the closest person to me in this place doesn’t know.
This is what I am. I don’t show when I am hurt. I don’t show my real emotion. Why?
Because I don’t want them to know that someone succeeded in hurting me. I don’t want them to know I am hurting because of someone. For me, I feel intimidated to someone if they know that I feel pain because of them. I feel they are superior because at one point, they have hurt me and they know that they have hurt me.
“why do all good things come to an end?”…
this is my status on my YM! for a couple of days. and I got a lot of reactions from my friends’ list. one conversation I had with a collegue went like this:
my friend (6/25/2007 2:08:33 PM): It don’t have to, just keep them close to you and it won’t
me (6/25/2007 8:43:10 AM): i don’t understand it
me (6/25/2007 8:43:21 AM): sorry
my friend (6/25/2007 8:44:18 AM): Ok you said why do all good things come to an end and I was just answering that question
me (6/25/2007 8:44:29 AM): ok
me (6/25/2007 8:44:46 AM): its about my status
me (6/25/2007 8:45:11 AM): well all good things really come to an end
me (6/25/2007 8:45:22 AM): that’s the reality of life
me (6/25/2007 8:45:32 AM): nothing’s permanent
my friend (6/25/2007 8:45:52 AM): Why should it? When you can control it
me (6/25/2007 8:46:16 AM): you cannot control life
my friend (6/25/2007 8:46:45 AM): Yes you can if it’s something you really want
my friend (6/25/2007 8:47:42 AM): The only thing you can’t control is death and all other thingsare within your control
me (6/25/2007 8:48:12 AM): you cannot control destiny
me (6/25/2007 8:48:47 AM): even if you really like something but if it is not destined to be yours forever
me (6/25/2007 8:49:04 AM): it will not be yours
my friend (6/25/2007 8:49:10 AM): Maybe you can’t but if you really want your destiny to go the way you want it to be you can control it if you want to
my friend (6/25/2007 8:50:25 AM): I’m sorry to hear you have limitations
me (6/25/2007 8:51:59 AM): even if you did all the things you need to do for a thing to stay in your life, but if destiny don’t permit or allow it to stay, it won’t stay.
my friend (6/25/2007 8:53:16 AM): Then it wasn’t a good thing in the first place and life must go on
me (6/25/2007 8:54:28 AM): yeah I agree that life must go on, and hey! lesson learned, but it doesn’t necessarily mean thatit is not a good thing
me (6/25/2007 8:54:50 AM): Can i ask you something
my friend (6/25/2007 8:55:33 AM): Is this problem back home for you
me (6/25/2007 8:56:05 AM): No, its not
me (6/25/2007 8:56:26 AM): just some thought after hearing a song about it
my friend (6/25/2007 8:58:08 AM): So this is all about a song
me (6/25/2007 8:58:30 AM): yup, just a song…
yeah! good things come to an end, but hey! not just good things, all the things. we just make an emphasize on good things because we are enjoying it that’s why we don’t want to end it. we want to keep it. we want to hold it forever, we don’t want to let it go, we feel bad to let it go. we want to do anything just to make it ours forever. and if we didn’t succed in doing it, pain and hurt is what we found.
but if bad things come to end, we feel relieve. we want to thank who-ever-it-was for ending it.
things do end, good or bad, but it doesn’t necessarily means that you’re left with nothing. memories are left behind. lessons are learned in those things. you can keep them with you.
Fairytales and Magic spells
As a child, I love reading fairytales. I love the concept of castles, prince, and princess. I love hearing the words “once upon a time” and end it with ” and they live happily ever after”. I love the scene on how the prince saved the princess from witches, and dragons, or waking her up in a spell by kissing her. I used to dreamed that scene almost every night. I used to wish that I have a “fairy-god mother”, ” dwarf friends”, “talking mice and talking cat”, or a “magic carpet”. I used to hope that I can find a “wishing well”, “magic dust”, or a “magic wand”. I did wish to have a “golden voice” so I could catch to attention of my prince charming. I wished I had a “wishing lamp” and a “genie” so I could make three wishes. I used to think that maybe one of those frogs is my prince charming ( silly thought I know ). I used to think that maybe in my past life I am a princess. I used to imagine a prince riding in a white horse coming towards me. To rescue me. That he crossed seven seas and climbed seven mountains just to saved me.
But as I am growing up, I realized that fantasy and reality are not the same. I realized that fairytales are just fantasy. A make believe. I have learned that fairytales are just exaggerated realities. Those writers exaggerate the reality so they can catch the attentions of little children. The main target of their market are children, specially girls. They know that with magics and some unusual things they can get the attentions of little girls. Add a very handsome, almost perfect ( if not perfect) prince charming or a knight in shining armour. A perfect plot. Who can resist those things. For a girl who is idealistic, for a child full of fantasy, for a child who would believe in everything, for a child who can imagine anything, she can never resist that. She could never resist the thought of having a man in her life as handsome, as gentle, and almost perfect as the prince in every fairytales.
Those dragons, witches, wicked stepmother and stepsisters are the representations of our problems. The obstacles in our life. The things that make us cry and suffer. The people that makes our life difficult and hard. The things that makes us crazy and insane. Those who are happy when we feel pain and when we are hurt. Someone who seems friendly and harmless but wants to stab us at the back.
Where on earth can I find a fairy-god mother, or dwarfs? Where pet-shop can I buy a talking cat or a talking bird or a talking mice? Where appliances’ center can I find a talking casserole, talking teapot, talking candle holder and a magic carpet? What shop do they sell magic dust, magic wand and a wishing lamp? Where can I find a genie? Where is the paradise? These things represents the things that makes our life easier. Our family and friends who always support us. People who helps us. People who makes us laugh in times of trouble. Those who help us solve some of our problems.
And that prince charming thing, how many of those girls who used to believe in fairytales found their prince charming. How many of them experienced heartaches. How many of them cried a lot every-night because of heartbreaks. There’s no such thing as prince charming or a knight in shining armour. Who, that is not out of his own mind, will sacrifice his life just to save other’s life? Is there someone out there who is a perfect gentleman? Someone who is almost perfect ( if not perfect ). Someone who will sacrifice everything for his love. Someone who will do everything just to please a woman. Where on earth can I meet a guy who will fall head over heels in love with me? I believe that there is someone for every girl, not a prince charming. Nor a knight in shining armour. Someone who is not perfect but someone who is right for them. “Prince charming” is from fantasy, “Mr. Right” or “The One” is from reality.
Fairytales, make believe, magic spells and fantasy. These are all from reality. Exaggerated reality. But fairytales and fantasy have an happy ending, reality doesn’t have. It goes on and on and on.
