” The ordinary girl finds ways to shut down, dull all the feelings. The princess remains open no matter what. “
That’s right, I am an ordinary girl, I can shut down and dull all the feelings.
I have a protective shell that unintentionally built it when I was young. I’ve learned to be emotionally detached from my surroundings and to people around me. I am one of those who can easily get along with any crowd or any group, but I am not really in to the group.
I find it hard to express my feelings. To say what I feel.
When I was young, I believed that if they have no means of knowing my feelings and emotion, they could not do anything to hurt me. Though they can still hurt me in some ways, I don’t usually show that I am hurting. If they don’t know that I am hurting, it is better for me. The more I am emotionally detached, the more I feel secured.
For most of us, it’s being weak, for me its security.
I can only open up to few people, to my friends since high school. However, it took a long process before I can open up to them. They are the only one who made me feel that I can tell anything to them without judging me. They are the only one who made me feel that I can cry to their shoulders without asking the reason why. They are the only one that can really know if I am hurting. Because I know that no matter what happen, they will stand beside me. Or they are just on my back supporting me. It is enough for me that my friends know what I am, who I am, and what I feel.
I don’t care what people would think about me. As long as I am emotionally detached to them.
I am hurting right now, but nobody knows about it. Even the person that hurts me doesn’t know that I am hurting. Even the closest person to me in this place doesn’t know.
This is what I am. I don’t show when I am hurt. I don’t show my real emotion. Why?
Because I don’t want them to know that someone succeeded in hurting me. I don’t want them to know I am hurting because of someone. For me, I feel intimidated to someone if they know that I feel pain because of them. I feel they are superior because at one point, they have hurt me and they know that they have hurt me.
“why do all good things come to an end?”…
this is my status on my YM! for a couple of days. and I got a lot of reactions from my friends’ list. one conversation I had with a collegue went like this:
my friend (6/25/2007 2:08:33 PM): It don’t have to, just keep them close to you and it won’t
me (6/25/2007 8:43:10 AM): i don’t understand it
me (6/25/2007 8:43:21 AM): sorry
my friend (6/25/2007 8:44:18 AM): Ok you said why do all good things come to an end and I was just answering that question
me (6/25/2007 8:44:29 AM): ok
me (6/25/2007 8:44:46 AM): its about my status
me (6/25/2007 8:45:11 AM): well all good things really come to an end
me (6/25/2007 8:45:22 AM): that’s the reality of life
me (6/25/2007 8:45:32 AM): nothing’s permanent
my friend (6/25/2007 8:45:52 AM): Why should it? When you can control it
me (6/25/2007 8:46:16 AM): you cannot control life
my friend (6/25/2007 8:46:45 AM): Yes you can if it’s something you really want
my friend (6/25/2007 8:47:42 AM): The only thing you can’t control is death and all other thingsare within your control
me (6/25/2007 8:48:12 AM): you cannot control destiny
me (6/25/2007 8:48:47 AM): even if you really like something but if it is not destined to be yours forever
me (6/25/2007 8:49:04 AM): it will not be yours
my friend (6/25/2007 8:49:10 AM): Maybe you can’t but if you really want your destiny to go the way you want it to be you can control it if you want to
my friend (6/25/2007 8:50:25 AM): I’m sorry to hear you have limitations
me (6/25/2007 8:51:59 AM): even if you did all the things you need to do for a thing to stay in your life, but if destiny don’t permit or allow it to stay, it won’t stay.
my friend (6/25/2007 8:53:16 AM): Then it wasn’t a good thing in the first place and life must go on
me (6/25/2007 8:54:28 AM): yeah I agree that life must go on, and hey! lesson learned, but it doesn’t necessarily mean thatit is not a good thing
me (6/25/2007 8:54:50 AM): Can i ask you something
my friend (6/25/2007 8:55:33 AM): Is this problem back home for you
me (6/25/2007 8:56:05 AM): No, its not
me (6/25/2007 8:56:26 AM): just some thought after hearing a song about it
my friend (6/25/2007 8:58:08 AM): So this is all about a song
me (6/25/2007 8:58:30 AM): yup, just a song…
yeah! good things come to an end, but hey! not just good things, all the things. we just make an emphasize on good things because we are enjoying it that’s why we don’t want to end it. we want to keep it. we want to hold it forever, we don’t want to let it go, we feel bad to let it go. we want to do anything just to make it ours forever. and if we didn’t succed in doing it, pain and hurt is what we found.
but if bad things come to end, we feel relieve. we want to thank who-ever-it-was for ending it.
things do end, good or bad, but it doesn’t necessarily means that you’re left with nothing. memories are left behind. lessons are learned in those things. you can keep them with you.
for a friend…
You deserve to be happy, kapatid. For a long time you’ve been a good friend, a good daughter, and a good sister, even a good cousin, a good niece, and a good granddaughter. You’re such a nice person. It is time for you to be happy. Go for your own happiness. Don’t mind those people around you.
If they saying that they only want the best for you, who are they they know what is the best for you?
And if they really know what is the best for you, would it makes you happy. Is having the best in your life makes you happy?
It is only you who knows what is the best for you. It is only you who knows what makes you happy. You’re waiting for this for a long time. And it is worth waiting for. Now that you have it in your life, don’t let it go. Don’t let anyone take it away from you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve him. If they really want the best for you, they will trust you and let you have your own decisions. You’re old enough to decide for yourself. Don’t let anyone decide for you. You already know what is right from what is wrong. I believe in your moral values. Have faith in yourself.
Stop thinking for the other people’s happiness, start thinking for your own happiness. I know you are happy even before without him in your life, but we both know deep down inside your heart, something is missing. Now that you have the chance to fill that missing part in your life, don’t let it go, grab the chance. You’ve done your best to be a good daughter and a good sister, now it’s time for you to do things on your own. I am not telling you to go against your family, I am just telling you to stand for your own decisions. And there is nothing wrong with that.
You know that whatever will happen, we are on your side. You don’t need to ask for our approval. Whatever you decided to do, we are here to support you. And you know that you can always count on us. What makes you happy is what makes us happy.
tropang “S”
If ever I have a time machine or a time turner or anything that can make me turn back the time, I want to turn back the time where everything was so simple. Where I am still young, innocent and so naive with almost everything. Where life is not yet complicated. Where I could do mistakes as many as I could and I could blame it for being young and innocent and inexperience. Where I thought I had the right to be stubborn because I am young. Where most of my treasured memories came from. Where I experienced most of my firsts. I want to turn back the time, turn it back during my high school days.
Who can forget their high school years? The fun, the craziness, the insanity and the joy of being young. The crazy ideas and silly thoughts of a young mind. The carefree days of being a teenager.The memories with friends, the laughters and the tears that were shared with them. The not-so good things that we did, but can get away with it because we are underage. Who can forget their first crush, their first love or maybe their first kiss too? Their first heartache and heartbreak? The memories of their young love? Who was not excited with their JS Prom? Who didn’t spend a lot of time looking for the right dress, the right accessories to match the dress, and the right shoes to wear for the Prom? Who didn’t anticipate that their crush will ask them to dance? Who didn’t cut a class, had a fight with a teacher or a classmate.
I miss my high school life. I miss the things that I used to do back then. And most specially, I miss my friends. Friends whom I shared all the memories of high school. Yeah, until now we remain friends. But there’s a difference between now and then. Now that we know life is not as simple as we thought. Now that we have more and bigger responsibilities. That the time we can spend to each other is getting less and less, because each of us is living our own life. Each of us has our own set of priorities, yes, now that we learned how to prioritized things. Now that we learned that life is as complex as the chemistry formula that we can’t solved.
Though I know the friendship that we have, even with less time to spend to each other, will always be there no matter what. I just can’t help to think and wish to bring back the time. So even just for a while, I could forget being an adult and be young at heart again.
