” The ordinary girl finds ways to shut down, dull all the feelings. The princess remains open no matter what. “

That’s right, I am an ordinary girl, I can shut down and dull all the feelings.

I have a protective shell that unintentionally built it when I was young. I’ve learned to be emotionally detached from my surroundings and to people around me. I am one of those who can easily get along with any crowd or any group, but I am not really in to the group.

I find it hard to express my feelings. To say what I feel.

When I was young, I believed that if they have no means of knowing my feelings and emotion, they could not do anything to hurt me. Though they can still hurt me in some ways, I don’t usually show that I am hurting. If they don’t know that I am hurting, it is better for me. The more I am emotionally detached, the more I feel secured.

For most of us, it’s being weak, for me its security.  

I can only open up to few people, to my friends since high school. However, it took a long process before I can open up to them. They are the only one who made me feel that I can tell anything to them without judging me. They are the only one who made me feel that I can cry to their shoulders without asking the reason why. They are the only one that can really know if I am hurting. Because I know that no matter what happen, they will stand beside me. Or they are just on my back supporting me.  It is enough for me that my friends know what I am, who I am, and what I feel.

I don’t care what people would think about me.  As long as I am emotionally detached to them.

I am hurting right now, but nobody knows about it. Even the person that hurts me doesn’t know that I am hurting. Even the closest person to me in this place doesn’t know.

This is what I am. I don’t show when I am hurt. I don’t show my real emotion. Why?

Because I don’t want them to know that someone succeeded in hurting me. I don’t want them to know I am hurting because of someone. For me, I feel intimidated to someone if they know that I feel pain because of them. I feel they are superior because at one point, they have hurt me and they know that they have hurt me.

  

~ by Princess Hiraya on August 6, 2007.